How to Keep a couple relationship strong strong when the other is across miles ?
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By Sylvia S. Roan, M.S., LCSW 5237, BCBA  | Published Nov 2007

More and more people find themselves in a long-distance relationship. It is challenging for couples to have a strong relationship across miles. It is harder to keep up with each other when you don’t see each other in person for a long period of time. The key for a healthy and strong long distance relationship is for both of you to lay a strong foundation of commitment and trust for your relationship. Upon such foundation, you would be able to set boundaries, find ways to be creative and communicative. Couples find themselves in a long-distance relationship because of frequent work- related travels, involuntary job relocation, unexpected job change, or other family needs or personal circumstances. If you are struggling with maintaining a strong long- distance relationship, here are some Do’s and Don’ts for your consideration:

1. Do Communicate with each other your trust and commitment for your relationship: Your commitment and your trust for each other is the foundation for keeping a strong relationship while you are not able to be together in person. Your words and deeds should be said and done in a way that reflects your trust and commitment for him/her. For instance, introduce your loved one to others so that they can acknowledge him/her. Avoid letting your loved one stand by you and watching you talking with others without being introduced. Don’t use phrases of blaming or accusation during conversation. Focus on how you feel and communicate it with love aiming to help your loved one to understand you better, at the right time. Renew your love for each other while you are together in person and affirm with each other your commitment and dedication to your relationship. Actions speak louder than words!

2. Do consult her/him of the dates you plan to be gone if it is up to you, otherwise let her/him know of your dates traveling afar with a written schedule and where you will stay. Let your loved one know that you have arrived safely and let her/him know that you miss him/her and couldn’t wait to go home to be reunited.

3. If you are the one staying put, be sure to show confidence in your loved one. Simply communicate your love for him/her, and show genuine interest in how her/his day went. Be honest in sharing your thoughts about important situation or issues. Learn about each other’s likes and dislikes and accept the difference that you have as a couple. Don’t try to change your spouse or your fiancée. Do put yourself in each other’s shoes when you have a phone conversation. Learn to listen and learn to focus on the positives when you are apart.

4. Develop hobbies or plan for activities to grow yourself while your spouse or loved one is away- if you have children, involve them in making something for the traveling parent. Help writing down words if your child is too young to write. Enjoy your life while your loved one is away for a long period of time. Share with her/him your accomplishment. It is helpful that he/she can picture how your day/ week went. Keep each other updated with text message or e-mail when you can’t talk or when time difference makes it hard to talk to each other. In other words, use high tech to communicate to enhance your relationship. Give a surprise to him\her. Make each other feel special and valued.

5. Don’t complain about anything over the phone or other means of communication. Keep your conversation sweet, calm and sincere. When you meet again face to face, use your listening ears more to show your interest in her/him. Be sensible; do not rush into discussing major problems as soon as the traveler returns home. Put your self in his/her shoes. If you have a home to manage, bills to pay, be sure to arrive at a mutually agreed upon way of handling the finance prior to being apart. If you can not arrive at agreement you may want to go for marital counseling or couple counseling to help you to agree on certain principles. The traveler needs to show appreciation to the one stays and avoid being critical when return home. A healthy relationship does not just happen. It takes special care like a gardener tends to the flowering plants in the garden. Do give each other space. Don’t question or interrogate about each other’s whereabouts. Don’t play a detective role. The more you interrogate, the farther you will grow apart from each other.

Above all, learn to love each other while you are apart can really make you a stronger person and when you help each other to grow you would also grow together as a couple.